So Saturday was my little cousin's baptism. He just turned 8.
I was so excited and wanted to go see it so bad but was really worried I wouldn't be able to make it because I had a work meeting that was mandatory and I didn't know if it would be done in time. Traffic from Paradise Valley to east Mesa can make the trip an hour long.
Nick had gotten called into work that day but got let off early and just put on call. His back has really been hurting him a lot (to the point where you can visibly see the knots in his back and he says his spine feels like its trying to collapse and the muscles are pulling to try and keep it right... the only place he feels comfortable is on the bed where there is no pressure on his back) so he didn't want to do anything except stay home in bed and cuddle. When I got home from work I finally convinced him to come with me even though he had to come in work clothes in case he had to leave halfway through.
I thought it would be a really good thing for Nick to see a baptism and a confirmation. He's having really huge issues with the idea of the Priesthood and outright doesnt want it (he doesnt feel worthy to have it, feels that only people who have studied the Gospel their whole lives and has dedicated their life to God (like the Pope or the Catholic priests, etc) should have it, and doesnt want that much "power" I guess). I thought that maybe him witnessing it working would help. He's already seen a blessing (when Mom and Dad were in their accident) and I told him how much I would love our kids to get baptized by him so I wanted him to see it and feel it.
He was really self concious about not being in Sunday clothes but I told him it would be fine because it wouldnt be in the Chapel and there wouldnt be a lot of people and so it wouldnt be a big deal. Lol... I was wrong. I forgot they've turned baptisms into a stake event. So it was in the Chapel... and there was a TON of people there. *oops*
After the songs and talks and stuff the kids were released by stake, and my cousin's was the last one to go. While we were waiting to go, the Stake showed the video "Witnesses of Christ" (I think that's the name of it). I loved it. I had never seen it before. And it has Gordon B Hinckley in it. I miss him :)
Finally, it was time to go. The Spirit was so strong and my little cousin was so cute... it was really so special to watch him get baptised. I would watch everything and I just hold the hope in my heart that one day Nick will want to have one of his own.
It's been a lot harder than I thought it would be, being married to a non-member. I try to explain why there are 3 hours of church when he only sees good reasoning for two (sacrament and then priesthood/relief society), why they have to split couples up (he's really not comfortable going anywhere alone, with good reason I think), what the purpose of Sunday School is (he's gone with me for a year and says they just repeat stuff, he's already learned everything and sees no point in just learning stuff over and over, part of why he says they brainwash a little bit)... so GOING to church isn't so bad, it's STAYING at church. I can't ever go to Relief Society without breaking down because I know he refuses to stay that long because he refuses to go into Priesthood even if my dad is there (he had a bad experience his first time) and he goes home alone to come back and pick me up... neither of us are happy at that point. And bishops don't really know what to do either (the two that I've had so far... we'll have a new one next week, we'll see what that one says)
...there's a lot more I just shouldn't put it here. He's very private and probably would get very upset if he even knew I was talking about this.
I've asked myself why I got myself into this before. He and I, when we were dating, almost split up a couple of times because I wanted the temple marriage and he couldnt guarantee me one. But he promised me he would support me at church and go with me every week and really try for me. He promised me he would get baptized if that's what I wanted. Of course I want it, but I want it for him. When we were dating, I talked to my bishop about it lots, and I prayed a LOT about whether this is good and right... and I got a very clear confirmation that it's good and right and something I should do. So I went to it without looking back. And I just have to remember that confirmation... this is something that the Lord told me was good and right... and I just have to put my trust in Him that someday I can see my husband across an alter in the DC temple. I'd even just settle to see him in all white. Like my little cousin.
Who knows if it will happen. It might not happen until after the grave. But my little cousin's baptism planted a little seed. Time will tell how it will grow.
I don't know why I'm writing all of this... it just kinda came out, so I apologize. It's very personal to me. Thanks for at least letting me write and get it out.